


Just Another Day As An Avenger

by PhantomEngineer



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crack, Gen, Sex Toys, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2018-11-08
Packaged: 2019-08-20 17:13:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16559903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhantomEngineer/pseuds/PhantomEngineer
Summary: It’s just a nice normal day for the Avengers, until Loki appears bearing gifts. Sex toys. Because he’s Loki and it doesn’t have to make sense. Everyone knows Loki is chaotic mischief wrapped in a pretty green bow and armed to the teeth with knives.(No one has sex or uses the toys in this, sorry. The pairing is because honestly the context and thoughts are somewhat beyond what would be considered platonic brotherly affection.)





	Just Another Day As An Avenger

“Happy birthday!” Loki said cheerfully, a smile that could only be described as fake plastered across his face, a gleam in his eyes that promised chaos, disaster and ritual humiliation. He handed Thor a box wrapped in gaudy green wrapping paper, tied with a yellow ribbon and decorated with what looked like a small version of Loki’s helm.

Thor looked at the present with some degree of suspicion. He had learnt not to fully trust Loki, despite his desire to do so. He hoped that it was a present to reconcile the two of them, and that he would be able to hug Loki in gratitude. Loki’s demeanour made him suspect that was unlikely, though he also knew his brother well enough to assume that it wasn’t going to kill him unless he did something particularly dim. Even dimmer than Loki thought him capable of. He was also rather uncertain about Loki’s choice of greeting, as Asgardians rarely celebrated birthdays in the same way Midgardians did, and no matter how you looked at it it most definitely wasn’t Thor’s birthday. It was just a totally nondescript Thursday afternoon in Avengers’ Tower, the only marginally interesting event being Loki’s surprise materialisation and gift, which probably wasn’t a bomb. Probably.

Loki vanished into thin air. His laughter remained, lingering in the air in an ominous manner, much like the way the threatening scent hung in the air from the last time Thor had attempted to cook.

“It’s your birthday?” Natasha asked, her ears clearly pricking up at the hint of information she didn’t know.

“Happy birthday,” Steve said generously, before Thor managed to protest that it wasn’t in fact his birthday. Didn’t they know already that Loki lied. A lot. Sometimes it was about world-ending doom. Sometimes it was about odd little details. Sometimes it was both, wrapped up with a ribbon.

Half an hour later, the parcel was still wrapped up, sitting in the middle of the table as the Avengers deliberated over it and pancakes. Mostly, they ate pancakes, but they looked at it suspiciously. It was from Loki, it was automatically suspicious. Tony had cheerfully offered to blow it up, with the usual level of enthusiasm he reserved exclusively for explosions. Thor had refused, as it was a gift from Loki so it could be anything. That included poisonous gas and kittens. Clint had been concerned at the breadth of Loki’s gift giving.

With a sigh, Thor carefully untied the ribbon. Bruce prepared gas masks. Tony readied the fire extinguisher. Clint drew back his bow, aiming an arrow steadily at the box. Steve positioned his shield to best protect them all from any potential blasts. Natasha hovered near the back, surreptitiously recording the proceedings with a hidden camera.

“Is that a penis?” Bruce asked faintly after a lengthy pause. He liked the Avengers, and he even quite liked Loki in a strange way, which in many ways was deeply worrying, but sometimes he wished he was just a normal scientist. Normal scientists didn’t have to deal with things like this. None of his PhDs were in alien penises or indeed human penises. Definitely not ones in boxes. Definitely not blue ones with ridges that Bruce was fairly confident were not considered normal in human males. He didn’t know for sure, he didn’t have the appropriate PhD, just a hunch based mainly on personal experience. 

“No,” said Natasha with a confident air that suggested she was the expert on such matters, “That’s a dildo.”

“Oh,” said Clint, calmly returning his arrow to his quiver, “Right. Nice. Weird. I have so many questions.”

Any further discussion regarding whether or not giving your brother exotic dildos for non-birthday presents was a normal custom on Asgard was interrupted by a delivery man, whose arms were laden with boxes. Not boxes wrapped with lovely green wrapping paper, just plain boxes used for shipping items through the postal service.

There were packages for all of them, which seemed suspicious. None of them could remember ordering anything, though when Tony called up his credit card details he found a payment he couldn’t remember making. That didn’t mean anything, per se, as he did have a tendency towards shopping while drunk. That was why he had Iron Man slippers and his Iron Man chemise. They did not see equal use.

With an air of trepidation, they sat back down at the kitchen table, their boxes in front of them. Sharing a resolute if reluctant glance, they opened them as a team.

The contents left them with no real doubt regarding who was behind it all. It was clearly Loki who had masterminded it. Tony wasn’t even that upset that he was the one who had ultimately paid, he was mildly impressed. With a degree of reverence that he reserved especially for all things Iron Man, including his arc reactor, he removed a butt plug. It was the same red as his armour, and while the arc reactor on the base of it didn’t glow it was still clear enough to him what it was supposed to be. In fact, he reckoned with a little tweak he would be able to install an actual arc reactor in it, which interested him far more than he probably should admit. He could probably make it glow, which wasn’t really necessary but he was still excited to try.

“Want to swap?” Natasha asked Clint calmly, looking at the arrow-shaped dildo in his hands. He paused in his assessment of whether or not it was aerodynamic enough to be shot with his bow to glance at the fleshlight she was offering him. “It’s not really my style,” she said blandly. The fleshlight was dressed the same way as her, presumably a homage to her usual style of clothing. 

“I was rather hoping to shoot this,” Clint replied, deciding that as this was clearly a Loki-related plot it was best not to wonder why they had received a shipment of Avengers-themed sex toys. The answer was Loki. It was easiest to just go with the flow and accept that nothing made sense. 

Tony flicked open a webpage, directed there by the receipt in his box. He was intrigued by what other products could be available. Thor watched over his shoulder, wondering if this was some Midgardian custom he was unaware of. He gently lifted his own gift from the thoughtfully wrapped box, signifying a deeper relationship compared to the plain shipment boxes of the others. It was blue, like jötunn skin, with corresponding marks rippling across the surface as raised ridges. 

Loki was actually jötunn, Thor thought almost reverently. He hadn’t actually ever seen his brother in that form, though he knew that it was a truth that lay hidden beneath layers of magic that Loki always wrapped himself in. Like a present carefully hidden away, the gift requiring painstaking unwrapping to be found. It was a long time since he’d received a gift from Loki, so it touched Thor’s heart just as much as he wished he was touching Loki’s actual skin rather than silicon carefully crafted to resemble skin. He wasn’t entirely sure if it was an accurate representation of a jötunn’s genitalia. He also didn’t know how Loki had acquired it. He supposed, given his brother’s magical abilities, appearing and demanding some Midgardian craftsmen to fashion it for him seemed to make sense, though he had to admit to being slightly baffled at the motive. He had always struggled to understand much of Loki’s motivation throughout their long lives.

Natasha carefully patted Bruce’s shoulder. He was in the midst of an existential breakdown, his hands barely managing to circle the gigantic green dildo in his hands. He had published revolutionary scientific papers, a part of his brain protested weakly. The rest of his brain continued to descend into a puddle of soup, melting into confusion. He wondered vacantly if the Hulk would be angry at what was in his hands, but he was too disconnected from reality to call forth the Hulk. It was probably for the best. Comparisons at the kitchen table would probably be unpleasant for everyone else. Bruce laughed slightly, convinced that he had gone mad. An arrow that had too much in the way of girth to really fly through the air in the same way as Clint’s other arrows went flying past his shoulder, narrowly missing Steve.

Steve was staring at his now closed box in horror. He gathered his courage and opened it again. There was still a stars and stripes item lying there, looking innocent but he knew it wasn’t innocent. He knew it was supposed to do naughty things. He didn’t want to think too hard about it. He wanted to return to being unconscious in the ice until this phase of humanity was over. Maybe he could be kept frozen, only being woken up when Earth needed saving. He wished he could return to the war. Life had been simpler then. There had been no Loki, though he vaguely knew that Loki had still been alive at that point. The important thing was that Loki had not been involved in Steve’s life, and by this point Steve was willing to take what small mercies he could take.

Out of the corner of his eye, Tony’s hand reached past his, which was sadly frozen by shock rather than ice. Tony withdrew the item in question, whistling his appreciation. Steve felt a large portion of himself die.

“Nice,” Tony commented, looking with interest as if it was another mechanical thing for him to fiddle with. It was making Steve question Tony’s relationship with his machines more, as he had always thought there was something odd to it. Now he was growing more confident that it wasn’t just him not quite understanding this new modern world but that Tony really was doing things with his machines that Steve couldn’t quite bring himself to fully imagine except that they were probably the sort of thing that his mother would disprove of. “I can show you how to use it later.”

Steve had so many questions but didn’t actually want to ask any of them. Asking risked getting an answer. Asking also involved knowing what to ask. He swallowed. An arrow-shaped object flew past him once again.

Thor stood back, holding his gift to his broad chest in an almost loving manner. It was a gift from Loki and had not attempted to kill him yet, so he was going to be grateful. He was grateful. He was touched. His brother had thought to give him a gift and delivered it by hand, and had even gone as far as giving gifts to his friends. Bruce was staring blankly at his, which Thor thought was probably not quite life-sized but still impressive. It was probably with gratitude at the fact that he had been given a gift, Thor thought. Tony seemed to be eagerly browsing the web, inspired by the gifts into showing Steve what he was looking at, who seemed to be confused about the modern technology on display. Thor always liked the fact that Steve was like him in that, not quite understanding many of the scientific things that the others mentioned. Natasha and Clint were throwing their gifts between them in a gleeful demonstration of happiness, mainly because Clint had needed someone to catch what he threw.

Thor slipped away up to his bedroom. It was clearly some Midgardian custom he was unaware of. Despite the fact that Thor was the one who actively lived with the Avengers, he was still painfully aware that Loki was the quicker learner. Thor would have no idea how to even begin the process of hacking into Tony’s bank account to order anything online. Loki always knew things and was capable of picking up on local traditions. That had always been the way.

Thor sighed, looking sadly at the dildo. He wished he had his brother to hold instead, the whole body rather than the disembodied penis. He stroked it softly, wistfully trying to imagine it as real flesh, his brother within reach.

Maybe, he thought, maybe it was a hint. That there was still some hope. Maybe he should give Loki a gift in return, as that was the usual tradition when it came to Midgardian gift-giving. They had many celebrations involving the exchange of gifts, so it was unsurprising that there was yet another one that he hadn’t heard of before. He wondered what there was that he could possibly give to Loki to show his love for him. He grasped the head of the appendage in his hand. Something similar, perhaps, would be appropriate. He squeezed his hand slightly, fingers rubbing the raised marks that littered the imitation of jötunn flesh. He had glanced a mjolnir over Tony’s shoulder as he had browsed the collection from which the presents were clearly from.

He glanced at the blueness in his hands, and wondered. If Loki had given him something of himself, then maybe he should give Loki something of Thor. He felt a hint of uncertainty, as this wasn’t anything like as simple as flying headfirst into a battle to save the nine realms. This was acquiring a gift for his beloved brother, which would involve having to ask someone for aid in operating the internet. Would Loki appreciate his very own mjolnir, he wondered, warm hope lighting a sprawling mess of a fire in his belly. It seemed like a fitting present. He couldn’t wait to deliver it to Loki himself, nicely wrapped.


End file.
